Paul and I were married in June of 1998. Since we eloped our biggest hope was that I not get pregnant immediately- you know how we all are- doing the math to see if I "had" to get married. I did not want any questions or speculating. By June of 1999 we found out we were pregnant. I had my suspicions around week 3 but I got it confirmed by week 4. You know that excitement of telling everyone- well, like most people- we told everyone! We were super excited. I had so many generous friends give me hand me downs. My baby collection started to grow. By week 8 we lost the baby. I was sad, but encouraged by the doctor. He explained that most ladies experience a miscarriage and not even know it, wait for 6 months and try again.
Our next pregnancy was in January of 2000 and again a miscarriage in 5 weeks. This pregnancy was not as hard for me- maybe because I just found out and then immediately lost the baby- I had no time for hope, no time to make plans.
April of 2000 I started feeling that queasy feeling again... and started to worry that I was pregnant too soon. I confirmed that I was pregnant and just a little over 4 weeks. I almost did not tell even Paul. I saw the disappointment in his eyes with the last pregnancy and really did not want it to happen again. I told myself not to tell him but I gave it away gagging at the toothbrush. He asked me if I was pregnant and I confirmed it for him. We decided this pregnancy we were going to do things differently. We prayed every day over my belly asking God to protect the baby. I did no housework. Paul pampered me all the time. Then a week before my birthday I lost the baby. We cried... we cried hard. We started to question God. I could not understand what His purpose was in taking my babies from me.
One Saturday at lunch with a friend of ours from Florida she could tell I was not doing well. She told me she would be praying for me. I broke down in front of her (which I really don't do) and told her what I was feeling. She made a comment that hit me right between the eyes.... "They aren't your babies Kathy- they are God's and He wants them with HIM" What was I thinking.... I was focusing on ME and only ME and that was NOT Christ centered. Children are a Blessing from the Lord and they ARE the LORDS.
In February of 2001 Paul and I moved to Las Vegas and in the process of moving I got pregnant again. I confirmed I was pregnant in March. This time I focused on what God wanted. I gave the baby over to Him completely. Once I passed the 8 week mark I started to feel like I could tell people. (After the first miscarriage we did not tell people again!) But Paul was reluctant and asked me to wait until we were half way through the pregnancy. I had a 10 week checkup and actually heard the heartbeat. Super exciting listening to the beat of your baby. I left that doctors appointment happy and confident that all would be fine. Week 15 was another good visit everything looked good. We scheduled an ultrasound for three weeks later on June 11, 2001. Monday morning of June 11, 2001 I woke up and knew something was wrong. Something was just not right and my gut told me that it was going to be a sad sad day. I said nothing to Paul not wanting to worry him for the day. I got ready for the doctors appointment and as the morning progressed the more confident I was of the news I would be getting. Before I left for the doctors I sat down on the bed and prayed for Strength for whatever God had in store for me that day. My little dog Tango also sensed something was wrong... He wined when I left which he had not done in a long time. I remember sitting in the parking lot of the doctors office arriving 20 minutes early and just rubbing my belly and shaking a little (my nerves getting the best of me). I prayed again for Peace and Strenght. The nurse asked me when she saw me if I was nervous... I was... and I admitted it to her. I told her that something was wrong. The nurse prepped me for the ultrasound - the cold jelly they put on my belly made me shiver. She started rubbing the probe on my belly- she abruptly stops and tells me she would be right back. In my mind it was confirmed the baby was gone... No longer living in me. The doctor came in and started moving the probe around my belly over and over. I am not sure how long this process was- to me it seemed like time stood still. The next thing I know they taking me next door to the hospital so that I could deliver the dead baby. Most of the details from there on are blurry... it all happened to quickly. I remember saying I don't want to know the sex of the child.... and then the nurse said- "you want to see her? She is so perfect" I did not see her- I could not bear to see her. She weighed 6.5 ounces. 5 fingers, 5 toes and perfect according to the nurse. I asked to call Paul- he had NO clue what had transpired. I called him and between sobbing I told him what had happened.. He came to be with me and we grieved together.
This is the first time I speak the events of my pregnancies to anyone. Not because we are ashamed- but because for the first time I feel like I can speak it with clarity and without breaking down to cry. God gave me the Strength I needed at the time to overcome that very sad day June 11, 2001.
The next few years brought more pregnancies, 6 more to be precise- each only lasting 4-8 weeks and each with pain and sorrow.
Our last miscarriage was in November of 2004. I remember asking God that if this baby was not going to live to not allow me to become pregnant again and that HE take the desire away from me to have a baby.
You know, God answers my prayers. When He took that final baby home with HIM, HE filled that desire to have a baby.
Now don't get me wrong... I LOVE BABIES... But I am okay if I don't get to have one on earth- I've got plenty waiting for me in Heaven!
Mothers Day and Fathers Day are not particularly easy days for us, since most do not recognize us as parents- but, like Paul said one evening while having dinner with some dear friends the Kendalls, we are parents to 10 precious little ones that are in Heaven Rejoicing with our Saviour.
What do I want out of this post- not pity- because God has used me in many ways with my miscarriages- GLORY BE TO GOD!
What I want is the following:
- Be sensitive to couples who don't have children. It might not be their choice.
- Guard my words- they are VERY powerful and can cause deep wounds.
- Remember GOD Is in TOTAL control of EVERYTHING- good and bad. Rejoice even in both GOOD and BAD.
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.